I daydream.
A lot.
I dream more in the day than I do at night. This is probably partially because I'm in a certain category of human that I've thought up as "dreamers". Also, I don't get much sleep. You can tell by the posting times here on the blog. I think about everything. Since I sometimes just don't know how to deal with myself, I need to learn the intricate science of my personality. The data I've collected has taken years to compile, and I'm still pretty lost.
One theory inching its way into my thought space was the likenesses of my soul and my appearance.
This shouldn't be taken in a shallow way, or even for other people for that matter, but I see similarities rising up all over the place.
Eyes really are windows to the soul. Mine are stormy, dark blue. That's only the beginning of the way to describe the corners of my consciousness. Like my physical self, my whole spirit has been a mass of contradictions and never what it seemed to be. I'm short and sort of... What do you call it? Not-sporty? Sure.
But I run fast, climb well, and pick up people taller than me. So yeah. I also talk with a pretty low voice, but sing about an octave higher, making me a soprano 1 in my high school's women choir.
As a person, I act like at least three different people. I also show many symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD). This disorder is characterized by social inhibition, sensitivity to criticism, and feelings of inadequacy. Before my lunch time at school changed to one with my friends, I spent many of my days sitting away from the other people in a corner, and leaving long before my next class started. If someone asked if I wanted to sit with them, I'd mumble a shaky and uncomfortable "No thank you." and disappear as well as I could. I hate group work because as much I want to make suggestions, I nearly always feel a fear that they'll ignore what I say or reject my ideas. The disorder makes its victim feel constant loneliness as a result of being terrified of interaction combined with a natural longing for it. There's a constant fight between fear and pain.
I stray away from the people I love the most because I'm afraid of losing them. I'm afraid of them forgetting me. Now I've unwillingly adopted a personality that makes me treat the people I care about in a passive-aggressive pattern that I know isn't fair to them. After this, I feel like a jerk because I act like one.
I have rough skin on my arms, legs and hands, but soft cheeks. I'm only sincere in the places people wouldn't see it. I look pale and cold, but I'm actually quite warm. I want to comfort people, but the only way I'm able to is through writing, since I'm such a negative and harsh person. I tease my friend (and her brother, because it's just so tempting), but I need her. I cry every day. Sometimes more.
The way I treat them is just cruel, but I don't know how to stop myself. The softer and warmer and nicer and more graceful part of me is trapped underneath thorns that stab me through too.
Every part of me is so confusing and intricate... How is all of this even possible?
Sorry this whole thing was about me. Did I mention I'm also very self-centered?
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