The Zone

 Ever felt like you want to sleep and be awake at the same time? Like you want to sing and be silent? Dance and be still?

 I was just at Generation Unleashed. It's a lot like a gigantic youth group service. Really moving. I suggest looking into it for any youth that wants Jesus. When I first walked in, I saw all the people and felt my heart rate raise and my breath quicken. I think it's needless to say I'm not good with people. They make me nervous. And we're talking HUNDREDS OF THEM surrounding me.

 But once worship started, I felt a lot better. In the presence of something bigger than yourself, you can really only bathe in its beauty. There's no more room for fears or precautions. You're in the zone. Nobody can prepare you for it, and you can't run away. It's the ultimate and you know you want more and more and more of it.

  It's been a long day and I feel like I really need to call it a night now and let myself collapse in the best sleep I'll ever get, but there's a word to be put out.

 There's a valley behind every mountain, no matter how stormy or steep.

 Don't assume your whole life will be spent in the alps, longing for the sun.

 I have.

 And it's not pleasant.

 Maybe someday all the climbing will pay off, yes?

I think we both know it will.

My Escapade of Insanity

 Maybe it's the melancholy in me, but it seems like there's always something there for me to be upset about, and I never fail to swing in and out of my moments about as quickly and agonizingly as a small infant. All that meaning I switch between calm and crazy in the matter of minutes. This also guarantees some pretty strange emotions, some of which arose this very night.

 While I was walking outside today, there was some kind of sadness weighing upon me, the same that usually is.So often do I think about how badly accustomed to this world I am, and how I feel a want for belonging that I can never seem to uncover with all these people so different from me. The same questions plague me every time and yet there's always a new feeling, a new sadness to accompany it.

"Why am I here,God? Why did you ever put me here, or even create me? How am I any use to them? Why am I still alive?" Why, why, why, why and a million more why's. When I get agitated I really just ask, "Why?!"

 Coming inside, I felt like I'd upset myself enough, but I guess I wasn't quite done being upset. I started calling out in some version of gibberish and staggering around, flinging myself around angrily, and crying harder than I had in a long time. Lonely was everywhere and I couldn't really escape this time.

 But I knew I had to stop.

I did all I could think of. I dragged myself to my computer and went to the Owl City blog, arriving to a page entitled "My Hope Is Found". This is where I turned on the cover song Adam did to "In Christ Alone"

Seconds in, I fell in. Deep. I was now bawling even louder than before and collapsing all over my desk in disgustingly dramatic and beautiful surrealism. Half of me was so amazingly astounded that nothing else mattered, and half of me was laughing at the other half.

 Once the song was over, I let out all the rest of the sobs, all of those bittersweet moments that led me to this 

passionately and loudly and painfully and wonderfully iridescent discovery. I then realized, I'd never heard myself cry quite like that before, and I loved it.

  After the escapade of insanity, as I'll call it, there was only one more thing I had to yell to the high Heavens:

“FOR I AM HIS AND HE IS MINE, BOUGHT WITH THE PRECIOUS BLOOD OF

CHRIST!”

Thanks, Adam.

  One more thing that I found curious today is that three whole people have visited my blog. I'd like to give the biggest thanks to those three people, even if they probably only got here by accident. I really thought nobody would ever read this stuff.

 Thanks for the everything you've given.

We all have a secret.

 Whether you're aware of this yet or not, my dear friend, you have a dirty little secret. Great. Now there's an All American Rejects song stuck in my head. Oh well.

 You may be thinking to yourself currently, "I have no secrets. I am not ashamed. Who's to say I have secrets? Certainly not YOU, Person I Don't Know.

Well, ya do.

 Admit it, there's got to be something that you hide from someone. It doesn't have to be embarrassing or illegal, just a little thought that you wouldn't like your friend or mother or gerbil or librarian or coworker to know about.

An unknown desire or memory.

For all we know, every bodybuilder may have something in their heads that wants to be a dentist.

Or every plumber dreams to be a fashion designer.

Or every cat wishes to be a dog, and vice versa.

I'm not gonna be hypocritical here, at first, I thought I didn't. Then I realized: My life is practically secret.

I mean, what else can a shy person be but a victim of invisible duct tape to the mouth? Seriously, nobody's THAT boring, really having not a word to say. Inside every shy boy lies a lion's roar, and inside every timid girl lies the ferocity of a tiger. 

 In a way, shyness itself marks someone with a thousand tiny secrets. I see things in a different way than most people (well, all but one of the people I've ever met (possibly two)) and spend my days dreaming, while all you see is a closed mouth and faraway eyes. They don't know I write. Or draw. Or indulge in music. 

 Short, shy, scared, slow, cold, lonely girl = dreamer.

 Now, maybe you have a more blatant, torturous secret. An ankle-biter. One of those annoying nuisances that gnaws on your happiness day and night. I recently heard some of these regarding a friend. I can only wonder how they feel about these, for it was another friend that told me, but I can only imagine what great sorrows were born from them. There's a certain degree of pain that you can only know by experience. You soon find out, you don't want to know this pain. Alas, sooner or later, we all do.

 Being very honest here, I really just wished I weren't alive once. The Nothing, I'll call it, had swallowed me up and it's usually a little while until you escape. The circumstances had become sharp and I really just didn't want to do it anymore. Notice I did not say I wished to be dead. I did not wish to die. Never could I even fathom...

You know,  suicide.

Man, that hurt to type. 

 But I never considered that. I'd never be able to. I'm too weak. It could never even become a possibility.

Which, I guess is good and bad. I'm weak, but just weak enough to hold on.

You have a secret. But it's time to let go. Let go and hold on. Be still, and move on.

Impossible Things.

 "Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast"

-Lewis Carroll

 A quote I can most certainly apply to my own mind.

 A few days ago, in geometry class, to be exact, I was considering time travel while everyone else was taking notes. The day before, my mom and sisters were watching "Back to the Future: Part 3" and I told myself that next time I was bored, I should think about time travel and decide on what I believe about it.

 So there I was, bored. Up from the depths of my head arises the thought of time travel. I spent a while on the thought, but it somehow doesn't seem so long, considering you know, TIME. It's something that which practically nothing has ever been possible to be proved about.  Of my pondering, I've come to these conclusions:

-If you can travel from any one point in time to any other one point in time, there must be an entire universe for every trillionth of a millisecond, every single moment in time.

-If there is an entire universe for every single moment in time, you, as a soul and working mind, would transfer to the next universe automatically an infinite number of times every day.

-If any amount of mass traveled from one unbound universe to another and the theory that "Mass cannot be created or destroyed" is true, a paradox would occur on account that:

     -If any amount of mass traveled from one unbound universe to another, both would be destroyed because there would be too much mass in one, and too little in another.

     -If a universe was destroyed, it would make all universes collapse.

     -A universe is mass, so... If it were destroyed, it couldn't be.

-And in the event of a paradox, the universe is destroyed, which would make an unending chain of paradoxes.

     -So, if there's a way to travel through time... It'd kill us all.

-There is nothing that connects all the universes except what moves us through them naturally, making travel impossible until we can harness what moves us.

     -There's no way to harness God.

          -So... Yeah. It's impossible.

 But if it WAS possible:

-A person would be dead at any point in time after their their current origin of soul and mind's time if they die, meaning they'd be dead even if their soul died in the future. I know, it's confusing.

-You couldn't go into the future, simply because it hasn't been determined yet.

 Yeah.

 Well, now you see just how much of an expanse my mind becomes when I want to escape. This time, I wanted to escape from 10th grade math. Next time, it might be escaping from family, escaping from insecurity, or just plain loneliness. That one seems to be a popular theme. Getting slightly off topic, like I always am, I would like to point out that the things I love the most are the very things that scare me to death. 

 You were probably just wondering why I said I try to escape from loneliness when I also said that I avoid people. My explanation to you is this: I love people. I really do. They're fascinating to me. The way how they all seem to have their own place in the world is exciting and interesting. 

                                            But they scare me.

 You heard me. I'm afraid of people. They make me nervous. I don't know what it is. I did, however, come up with the theory that I'm afraid of people because being very melancholy, I am skeptical and over analyze things, including  what people think of me. Having it in my mind that nobody would ever not hate the real me, I don't want to take the chance, so I avoid them. And you know how it goes. Lonely. Everybody wants someone. Nobody really wants to be alone. They want someone that they can be alone with. In other words, we all need someone that understands us. I'm in short supply of those.

 Other than people, I have love-terror relationships with water, fire, ice, and... Somebody...

Never mind that. Anyway, with that stuff, I just can't stay away, but I have to. Water is dreamy and so fluid, but you can't breathe in it, plus all your senses are slurred and you can't hear or see or smell or speak or move...*shudder* Fire is so untamed and warm and beautiful and changes EVERYTHING, but it burns you. And that's bad. The ice is so cold and brisk and is fun to smash into a million pieces, but... Well... It's uncomfortable to hold, and it just hurts.

 And... He...

Well, he scares me because I know that a large amount of my overall happiness has been invested in him. So he's kinda almost a threat even though he doesn't mean to be. I think you probably have a pretty good idea of what I mean by all this, but at the same time, you have no idea.

 It's not a crush. Just thought I should get that out straight away. To know what it really is, you'll have to understand, I CARE. That's what this is. Caring. If someone thinks they love someone, I always have one question ready for them:

If they hated you, wanted you dead, wished you never existed, would you be bitter, or would you wish that someday, somehow, things would change?

I would say pray for them, but I understand, not everyone prays. But I do, and that's how I'd answer the question. I don't know exactly why this was put into my life, or why him, or why me, but I still take what I'm given with the highest gratitude. What I feel for him is all in good intention.

 For some reason I feel like there's something we have in common, like we see the world in the same way. But how could it be that someone like me could be so okay? So secure? So universal? Whatever it is, I feel like someday, somehow, I can channel it right in between us so everything will finally fall a little more in place.

I like to believe these impossible things.