Jesus Is My Lullaby

 Being much of a dreamer and very spacey, staying in "the real world" has always been an aggravating struggle for me... As is the fight to keep my few scraps of sanity in check. What can I say? My insane side keeps telling me to remind everyone that it's there even though that's become pretty apparent by now. Anyway...

 On a long car ride I boarded a few days ago, the mother and the sister were debating over things related to "the future" and "money" and "careers", all of which I can't stand thinking about. My only escape method was blasting songs from the All Things Bright and Beautiful album on my iPod, mixing in a few other songs near the end of my visit to my own world.

 I often catch myself feeling guilty of being so far different from my family and most of my friends. I'm very often a bad friend and a worse sister and daughter. Every time I avoid spending time with them to stand alone and daydream, there's something telling me that they deserve more than passive-aggressive cycles and all of the other wonderful qualities I possess. There's a line recently written in my diary saying: They deserve a flimsy do-gooder. Not me, the stubborn screw-up. Why am I such a jerk? They shouldn't have to deal with me.

 There have been many times that I have tried analyzing this aspect of me, but I can't get very far into it, since I can't find the initial trigger events that caused it. I'm at least guessing this is an OCD thing, but I can't get much past that.

Things need to be even. If you do something nice for me, I have to do something equally nice for you, or else I will go insane.

In such an unfair world and a very small ability for helping people, this obsession has gotten me falling on the floor gasping for breath and begging for pain. Help is something I can't ask for because I can't get myself out of debt with other people. They can forgive me a thousand times, they may not even notice when I'm not as good to them as they are to me, but I will never let it go inside of myself until I have payed it back. In many ways, I've become my own enemy.

 I stare at myself in mirrors. A lot. I'm not sure why. There's something that I'm looking for or something. I can't tell. But today when I stared for too long, the shadows on my face became more defined, the cobalt blue in my eyes turned into iron, and the creatures that eat me started crawling out of my skin. I had to look away before I scared myself too bad.

 In another diary entry I had written: Just throw me. So stupid. What's wrong with me? Stupid freak, stupid jerk. Get rid of it. Just beat me then let me dance alone until I deserve more.

And in another: I feel myself becoming a monster. Then I feel myself going insane.

 In all honesty, I'm sure I'm being overly dramatic since I'm sleep deprived when I write in my diaries. This still has showed me just how strange my mind's gotten.

 Sometimes I still get that feeling that I need to know certain things. Things about myself, the others, the universe, but then I finally remember "Just stop. God's got you, alright? Just leave the tough stuff a mystery. It's not your business anyway."

Whenever there's no way out that I can see,

When all I want to do is cry,

When there is nobody to listen,

When there is nobody to hold me,

I sing.

Jesus is my lullaby

He calms my fears and drys my eyes

And when my life goes up in flames

He shows me it'll all be better someday

It'll be better someday

 

I'll be better someday