That night, it went away.
God, I'm so tired of feeling like this
It's just what you deserve, if not less than what pain you shall recieve
Take it away! I know it's not you
Never accept a gift you can't justify
WHY IS NOTHING FAIR HERE?
This death you feel, this is what's fair
No... No, you're not real.
Then what is your pain? Give me a name.
God, I don't want to feel this guilt
TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENTS!
I WANT TO! I'M TRYING! KILL ME, I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE!
And so, the demons flooded over the gates of my mind, scorched me with an obsession that could never be fulfilling.
But I found the truth that one night.
I was praying for them again. It had been another night of forsaking myself and thus beating God's daughter. But it had come to the point where at least I could get over how much I hated myself and start ripping parts of myself out and handing it to my friends.
I'd been paying off debts that only I believed existed. When somebody did me right, I did all I could to justify it. Make them do me wrong. But compassion is one thing you can never pay back. And it's also impossible to generate if you're trying to pay your dues.
To me, it didn't matter that everyone was okay with me treating them like crap, and it didn't matter that God had forgiven me, because there was still a voice calling me back and sucking the life out of me.
And the voice was inside my head.
This isn't to say I'm schizophrenic, because I'm nowhere close. I just couldn't live with myself.
When I was sad, I felt guilty because I had no reason, so I tortured myself.
When I was happy, I felt guilty because I didn't deserve it, so I tortured myself.
I couldn't win this game I played.
As I prayed for them, a voice not so mysterious reminded me to look at what I was doing.
It hit me.
My eyes grew wide, my heart pounded, and all I could do was step back and sob into my hands, because I had been set free. What I was doing was soulful. I learned how to love. I learned how to sacrifice myself. That must have been when I woke up from the nightmare and realized that I turned into something beautiful. I was finally happy.
Hospital Flowers, man. Hospital Flowers.
God.
2 comments:
:) you're awesome, don't forget it Matrill. ... now I'm usually pessimistic, but an optimistic me would say: I've come to realise that everything is seasonal... storms blow over. Life is hope.
... We've all been set free. It's whether we want to spread our wings and fly. THAT is the second prison.
Btw... a little poem that I wrote in the past:
Sometimes I lie against my soft bed
And stare up to the dark ceiling
Thinking bout the times “love” was said
And wondering about it’s meaning
What is love?
I think I know, or can I guess at least?
Love is something as pure as a dove
This is my opinion, my perpetual peace
Love is defeating all your pride
And scraping off hostility
It frees your heart from the dark inside
And gives your limbs agility
Love is saying A BIG THANK YOU!
It’s admitting you need lot’s of help
It’s little gestures of love you do
That gratefulness will make you melt
Love is saying AISHITERU
It’s not being shy
Like an embrace out of the blue
Taking away all your sighs
Love is saying I CARE TOO
That your problems are mine
Sharing all that is new
Yet knowing where to draw the line
Love is yelling God bless us
Cos God creates true love
We only live now cos
God sacrificed His Son Jesus
Love is saying let’s be friends
Forever, until the horizon
Cos for each other, we’ll always bend…
And that is what I've learnt
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