Yeah. I've been indicated as broken.
And yes, it sucks.
Of course, over a lifetime, we will all feel several different types of heartbreak. In some ways, we are all broken. But being broken at such a young and misunderstood age can create endless problems behind the eyes of my comrades. Because of the pain filled memories that have crept up on me, I've generated more than my fair share of fears. They seem to follow me everywhere, and keeping them at bay is a matter of its own. My core fear is of being overtaken.
I can't tell you why this is such a horrifying feeling for me, mostly because I don't know exactly why. Maybe it's that I was the youngest of three and constantly targeted by my sisters for what felt like torture to me. It could have something to do with the fact that I played sidekick to the weird girl from age six to eleven. Although the feeling of fear didn't creep up on me until a few years ago, when my family fell apart under me and I had no further defense.
All I really know for sure is that I'm afraid of being underwater, not being able to breathe or speak, being held or pushed back when I can't break free, not seeing, and-above all else-not being able to move my arms or legs. All of these, along with other various restraints scare me to death. I feel as if I am being controlled by something else, and I can't trust something I don't know. Just thinking about these things makes me feel uncomfortable.
Over the last few years, my personality has also taken a turn in the opposite direction of its former path. I used to be a pushover, scared of opposition and let others speak for me. With my shyness, it built a comfortable environment for me. In recent years, I've opposed people just for the disagreement. I act with far more aggression and defense than I would have ever expressed four years ago. While I remain quiet and reserved with those I'm not familiar with, I am quick to anger and passive-aggressive with the people I've known for years (which I find a terribly sad think, since these are the people that care about me the most).
This abrasive attitude has even taken me to personally victimizing people that never did anything to me. My friend's brother and I completely ignored each other until a few years ago, when I began to bug him for the fun of it. That's escalated to an agreed rivalry by now. One big problem is that I always take things too far. I never know when I've actually hurt him and I keep on going until I realize the damage is done. Immediately, I feel guilty and wish so badly to apologize, but know it probably won't mean a thing. The worst part of this situation: he has already been picked on for most of his childhood and has a heart of leather now. If I ever contributed to these acts, I don't know if I could ever forgive myself.
In the dark hours when I realize what a monster I've become, I take every opportunity to fix myself. I monitor myself and watch the words I say, for I know they sometimes hurt more than anything else.
A few weeks ago, I was speaking with my youth group and told them about the way I treat other people and that I'll start trying to train myself. I'd mentioned there were certain people that I know deserve better of me, which I hardly ever give. That was my apology. To the Earth, to the people I've known.
Later, my friend told me that during my speaking, he turned to her, almost as if asking the question, and with unspoken words it was communicated that he was a part of it. To this day, I still pray he knows I never meant it when I said those hurtful things.
